Dear Mother,

 

Dear Mother,

I had to connect with Name Of Childhood/Neighborhood BFF recently.

Why is none of your business.

But she told me she always wanted to call me and talk to me, cause of the horrible childhood I had.

ME: "What do you mean?" I asked.

BFF: "The fact that your Mother gave you no love or attention and it was all given to your sister (middlechild FULL sibling, Dad has an older child from his first wife)"

So people did notice!!!!!!!!!! I felt seen and heard for the first time in ages!

I decided to gossip with her about middlechilds conception.

ME: "Well, my Dad once told me that, "Your Mother had an IUD when I met her cause she was seeing that married mobster Counselman when she was his secretary.""

ME: I recently looked him up. she could only have worked for him in the early 2 weeks of June on summer break from Teaching ES. Then if she had an IUD those 2 weeks, she must have gotten it taken out and gotten pregnant with middlechild, by my already married Father to get him to be with her"

BFF: "HUH! Preesi, middlechild never looked like she belonged to the family She was darker like an Italian, Your combined families are pure white. What if your mom was already pregnant by the Italian counselman mobster and she pinned it on your father...

ME: Wow! (I literally couldnt speak for 1 entire minute)

So "Mother" What is it? was Middlechild my Fathers? or the Mobsters?

If middlechild was an accident why marry my father and have me only to be neglectful, abusive, and mean to me?

Is it because you loved the mobster and he spurned you and the baby and you picked my just sober Father with his mild brain damage from the fall in the barn after WW2 to play Daddy for you.

Then you destroyed the Golden Child and the scapegoat.

I never had to be here. Daddy would have just had his one child he wouldn't have had to raise mobsters kid and I would never be born.

All while saying, "He seemed like he was good with kids" when asked why you chose him to marry and have kids with him.

You were mobsters secretary, you knew he was married and had 6 kids, every boyfriend youve had has been married, so you knew what you were doing...It wasn't a mistake. So Mobster knocks you up, and my Father had just been thru my uncles "Detox At Home" plan (My uncle locked my alcoholic Dad in a spare bedroom at his Mansion for 3 months) and my Father is from deep Kentucky and is a bit "OFF", So you start at your little Hostess Job at my Aunt and Uncles restaurant and my newly sober, Southern Gentleman when hes not having an episode, Father musta charmed you (Daddy was handsome and was an actor once) and you preyed on him. just like you wore your married boss in 1977, down until he slept with you...

Mom: Your wife is so unimaginative, she made baked chicken with mashed potatoes and cauliflower, its an all beige white meal.

"Bitch! You never cooked for us after the divorce at all. I ate raw chocolate meringue batter for a year after school and after my rape at 11 (which you ignored), I stopped eating for 10 days and became anorexic!"

Maybe Barbara was tired and hadn't been to the market, she had 3 boys!

We all knew. You dyed his eyebrows and massaged his feet in front of everyone at the office. Thought everyone was fooled.

Then when the mailmans wife came to our apartment to threaten you, I started to side eye you.

So,

1. Married Mobster
2. My Married Daddy
3. Married Boss......Nope. Married Divorce Lawyer
4. Then Married Boss.........,NOPE, Married Family Therapist after the divorce
5. Then Married Boss
6. Then Married Mailman

No clue if there were others before or after.

You did ask me once if my friend Jenns Father would "LIKE YOU"? He was also Married to Jenns Mom

All I know is that you were a school teacher and had to take child psyche classes. And you never used any of it in your home or life. I was taught NOTHING! NOTHING! Nothing about sex, love (you and Daddy never smiled or had fun or showed love or affection and you never hugged or kissed) you didn't protect me from abuse or abusers, you taught me nothing about life or coping skills or anything. I had to accept the abuse from others.

So you made an EXTRA WHOLE HUMAN (ME) on a lie, with a man who had brain damage and whose violence at home laid in place the PTSD that became CPTSD in me.

You are the reason middlechild killed herself at age 21, and you are the reason my oldest sister hated me and middle. And you are the reason I have CPTSD.

And now you write Childrens Books?

What would your readers say if I posted this letter on all your books reviews?

PS- I changed MiddleChilds father to the Mobsters name on Ancestry. I found young pics of Mobster and he looks like MiddleChild... Same nose and smile. Im gonna tell my cousin about this.